As you mature you are made aware of your intellectual and physical limitations as a matter of course. You can either solve that equation or you can't. You either make the basketball team or you hang out at your friend's place whose parents both work.
But there is no mathematical proof that demonstrates your inability to take criticism. There is no stopwatch that tells you you are selfish or arrogant or that you always interrupt people when they are talking.
Sometimes, however, you are thrust into a situation that forces you to react instinctively, and you gain knowledge of yourself with the same degree of certitude that you find out you have hemorrhoids. The procedure is uncomfortable, but the results are indisputable.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
10 Things I Love About Ghostface
I find that mocking things can be funny and cathartic (if done in good taste, natch), but it's important to understand that I have more than just a hateful side. I also like a lot of things. Hell, I even love a lot of things. There are so many great books, movies, tv shows, albums, and improvised late-night snacks out there that I probably won't ever come close to experiencing them all. In fact, if there weren't so many awesome things in this world, I would never be able to hate on so much shitty crap. The great things in life give me a basis for my hatred of the shitty things in life.
That's why I'm rolling out a new feature that will run once a week (unless it sucks or becomes too hard) called 10 Things I Love About... (not to be confused with the Julia Stiles' vehicle 10 Things I Hate About You)
Every week I will pick a new topic and list 10 things I love about that particular topic. I want to be very clear, right up front, that these aren't necessarily exhaustive, definitive lists. I might, for instance, give you 10 of my favorite Derek Jeter intangibles (he has 26). They wouldn't necessarily be his most important, or his sexiest, or even his most intangible intangibles. They would simply be my favorite.
Alright, enough with this obscenely long preamble. Let's kick off this feature in a big way with...
10 Things I Love About Ghostface
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
The Gothamist is Biting My Shit
Man, at least give me credit for the inspiration, you fucking jerks [link].
Oh My God It's Almost Here
Yesterday I got a generous shoutout from the guys at sports/hot chicks blog (really, is there any other kind?) With Leather, which I'm pretty sure is run by Punte from venerable sports/dick joke blog (I guess that's the other kind) Kissing Suzy Kolber, a long time favorite of the staff here at JamesMarceda.com.
I'm very grateful for their support, but it puts a lot of pressure on me to produce. I wasn't planning on posting anything today because I didn't have time to write last night (improv class - yes, I'm in clown college) and I won't have time to write tonight (it's Friday, dipshits).
But noooooo, With Leather had to go and fucking blow up my spot, giving me a huge bump in traffic. Now I have to deliver the goods or I'm going to lose TENS AND TENS OF POTENTIAL READERS.
Thanks a lot, assholes.
I'm very grateful for their support, but it puts a lot of pressure on me to produce. I wasn't planning on posting anything today because I didn't have time to write last night (improv class - yes, I'm in clown college) and I won't have time to write tonight (it's Friday, dipshits).
But noooooo, With Leather had to go and fucking blow up my spot, giving me a huge bump in traffic. Now I have to deliver the goods or I'm going to lose TENS AND TENS OF POTENTIAL READERS.
Thanks a lot, assholes.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I Want to Run
It fucking sucks that running in non-athletic apparel isn't socially acceptable.
I hardly ever face this issue, but when I do, I hate having to make the decision of whether to run or not. I always decide not to, because running down the street in "street clothes" is basically the same as whipping out your balls and screaming at your shadow, but I feel like a caged animal for the rest of the time it takes me to walk to my destination.
Don't know what I'm talking about? Here, I'll give you an example.
I hardly ever face this issue, but when I do, I hate having to make the decision of whether to run or not. I always decide not to, because running down the street in "street clothes" is basically the same as whipping out your balls and screaming at your shadow, but I feel like a caged animal for the rest of the time it takes me to walk to my destination.
Don't know what I'm talking about? Here, I'll give you an example.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Hey, Gobstoppers!
I'm calling you out, sons! Yeah, that's right, YOU, mothafuckas!
You gone soft as SHIT! I can bite all the way through your weak asses on the FIRST BITE now. What the fuck? Used to be, back in the day, aint nobody bite through your rock hard candy shell in one bite. THAT SHIT WOULD HURT YOUR MOLARS AND YOU'D BE ALL LIKE "DAMN DID I CHIP MY ENAMEL?"
(everlasting, my ass)
You gone soft as SHIT! I can bite all the way through your weak asses on the FIRST BITE now. What the fuck? Used to be, back in the day, aint nobody bite through your rock hard candy shell in one bite. THAT SHIT WOULD HURT YOUR MOLARS AND YOU'D BE ALL LIKE "DAMN DID I CHIP MY ENAMEL?"
Chimps - They're Just Like Us
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Oh He Will, Will He?
There are a staggering number of advertisements in New York City. If you take a break from downloading pornography long enough to leave your squalid, 7th floor walk-up, you will encounter dozens of them before you have traveled a block.
You see them on buildings, billboards, and bus stops. They scream by you on taxis, subways, and overly aggressive delivery men on bikes.
They range in production value from enormous high definition video screens found in Times Square to Microsoft Word-designed trifold flyers thrust at you by anonymous politicians standing outside the subway station at the ass crack of dawn on a rainy Monday morning (fuck those guys).
Because there are so many of them, and because they appear in so many locations, advertisements generally blend together and fade into the background of your consciousness. Just as residents don't look up at skyscrapers, so too do they fail to notice all but the most unique advertisements.
That's why I find it so remarkable that one small, homemade flyer has had such a profound affect on me. I can't figure out what it is about this particular ad that has completely enthralled me, so I will post it below, and ask that you help me pinpoint what makes it so captivating.
(click to enlarge)
So what do you guys think? Why can't I get this ad out of my head?
You see them on buildings, billboards, and bus stops. They scream by you on taxis, subways, and overly aggressive delivery men on bikes.
They range in production value from enormous high definition video screens found in Times Square to Microsoft Word-designed trifold flyers thrust at you by anonymous politicians standing outside the subway station at the ass crack of dawn on a rainy Monday morning (fuck those guys).
Because there are so many of them, and because they appear in so many locations, advertisements generally blend together and fade into the background of your consciousness. Just as residents don't look up at skyscrapers, so too do they fail to notice all but the most unique advertisements.
That's why I find it so remarkable that one small, homemade flyer has had such a profound affect on me. I can't figure out what it is about this particular ad that has completely enthralled me, so I will post it below, and ask that you help me pinpoint what makes it so captivating.
(click to enlarge)So what do you guys think? Why can't I get this ad out of my head?
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Times Square Street Artist Destroys Own Caricatures, Placed Under Arrest
NEW YORK, NY—Street artist Brian Fong was placed under arrest Wednesday evening after acting erratically and confronting a police officer in Times Square, authorities said. The struggling caricaturist was seen flipping over his own folding table, shouting obscenities in multiple languages, and destroying his own works of art after what some are calling, "a slower than usual afternoon rush."
Sources say the strange behavior began after a routine encounter with a tourist.
"I saw him run down the street after a couple, gesturing with his hands that he'd draw their picture," said a man at the scene who requested his name be withheld. "He gave up on them when he saw a little girl with a balloon animal, but her father wasn't having it and told him to 'scram.'"
Witnesses say Mr. Fong then dropped to his knees, put his head between his hands, and began sobbing uncontrollably for "what seemed like a fucking hour."
"After that he just went nuts," said local businessman Dennis Haverford. "He was screaming in some language I didn't understand, Chinese I think, and stomping up and down the sidewalk smacking himself in the face. He finally quit it after about 5 minutes, and we thought it was over. But then his eyes got all wide and he threw his table to the ground. The weird thing was he was sort of half crying the whole time. I don't know how to describe it."
It was at this point that witnesses say Mr. Fong began destroying his own artwork.
"YOUR LAST GOOD MOVIE HEAT!" he shouted through tears at his whimsical take on Al Pacino with the ludicrously large bags under his eyes. "THAT 14 YEARS AGO! HOW YOU HELP ME SELL PICTURE?!"
"你做的是欢呼声! 这是不!!!!!" he continued.
A man who walked by in the middle of the tirade, unaware that Mr. Fong was responsible for the commotion, tried to help him pick up his belongings. Witnesses say Mr. Fong then berated the man.
"You want picture, Mister? HUH? YOU WANT PICTURE? I make you look funny like Jimmy Durante. You don't know Jimmy Durante? Make sense. WHO THE FUCK JIMMY DURANTE? HE HAVE BIG NOSE - SO WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?"
"我应该听一听妈妈,留在腌业务!!!!!" he added.
Fellow vendors said they noticed a change in Mr. Fong's demeanor the last week or so.
"He seemed pretty happy right around the time Michael Jackson died. He must've been selling a lot of MJs - I mean, we we all were," said Seymour "Meaty" Meterson. "But then about a week ago, when the MJ stuff started dying down, he had this icy stare all the time," continued Mr. Meterson. "Well, when he wasn't running after tourists with that giant shit-eating grin of his."
Mr. Fong was eventually placed under arrest after a mounted police officer asked him to calm down and pick up his things. Rather than comply, the enraged artist threw a balled up rendering of Mick Jagger with hilariously oversized lips into the officer's face.
"I didn't want to arrest the guy, " said arresting officer Ramiro Reynoso, "but we can't have a man running around Times Square screaming and crying and carrying on."
"I've been told he was upset about slow business," Reynoso continued, "but frankly, I find that hard to believe. I mean, did you see that Valerie Bertinelli with the huge, adorable cheeks? The man's an artistic genius."
Sources say the strange behavior began after a routine encounter with a tourist.
"I saw him run down the street after a couple, gesturing with his hands that he'd draw their picture," said a man at the scene who requested his name be withheld. "He gave up on them when he saw a little girl with a balloon animal, but her father wasn't having it and told him to 'scram.'"
Witnesses say Mr. Fong then dropped to his knees, put his head between his hands, and began sobbing uncontrollably for "what seemed like a fucking hour."
"After that he just went nuts," said local businessman Dennis Haverford. "He was screaming in some language I didn't understand, Chinese I think, and stomping up and down the sidewalk smacking himself in the face. He finally quit it after about 5 minutes, and we thought it was over. But then his eyes got all wide and he threw his table to the ground. The weird thing was he was sort of half crying the whole time. I don't know how to describe it."
It was at this point that witnesses say Mr. Fong began destroying his own artwork.
"YOUR LAST GOOD MOVIE HEAT!" he shouted through tears at his whimsical take on Al Pacino with the ludicrously large bags under his eyes. "THAT 14 YEARS AGO! HOW YOU HELP ME SELL PICTURE?!"
"你做的是欢呼声! 这是不!!!!!" he continued.
A man who walked by in the middle of the tirade, unaware that Mr. Fong was responsible for the commotion, tried to help him pick up his belongings. Witnesses say Mr. Fong then berated the man.
"You want picture, Mister? HUH? YOU WANT PICTURE? I make you look funny like Jimmy Durante. You don't know Jimmy Durante? Make sense. WHO THE FUCK JIMMY DURANTE? HE HAVE BIG NOSE - SO WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?"
"我应该听一听妈妈,留在腌业务!!!!!" he added.
Fellow vendors said they noticed a change in Mr. Fong's demeanor the last week or so.
"He seemed pretty happy right around the time Michael Jackson died. He must've been selling a lot of MJs - I mean, we we all were," said Seymour "Meaty" Meterson. "But then about a week ago, when the MJ stuff started dying down, he had this icy stare all the time," continued Mr. Meterson. "Well, when he wasn't running after tourists with that giant shit-eating grin of his."
Mr. Fong was eventually placed under arrest after a mounted police officer asked him to calm down and pick up his things. Rather than comply, the enraged artist threw a balled up rendering of Mick Jagger with hilariously oversized lips into the officer's face.
"I didn't want to arrest the guy, " said arresting officer Ramiro Reynoso, "but we can't have a man running around Times Square screaming and crying and carrying on."
"I've been told he was upset about slow business," Reynoso continued, "but frankly, I find that hard to believe. I mean, did you see that Valerie Bertinelli with the huge, adorable cheeks? The man's an artistic genius."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
