Reader of the Day

I track my blog traffic using Google Analytics. It's a staggeringly powerful tool (ahem) that allows you to analyze your readership in an alarming, 1984-ish sort of way. You can find out where people are from, how long they stay on your site, if they are first-time readers, and much, much more. Basically, you can run any kind of nerdtastic statistical analysis your cyborg heart desires.

I, however, use it primarily to amuse myself. One of my favorite things to do in Analytics is check out what search terms have lead people to my site. Typically, you find the terms you would expect. The name of the site, for instance (hi, Mom!), or maybe a phrase that appears in a post you wrote.

Sometimes, however, you get something unexpected. On a now-defunct blog I once ran I had a reader find me by Googling "nasty foot fetish hair." I did not run a "nasty foot fetish hair" site, but somehow that search lead a depraved lunatic to my humble home on the interwebs.

Other times you get a search term that is so generic that it boggles the mind to imagine how many results a person had to wade through to find you. It's a similar sensation to considering the size/nature of the universe.

For instance, the other day somebody found me by Googling "ghostface." I don't know for sure, but I would suspect that I am roughly the 8,000,000th search result for "ghostface." How many Ghostface-related sites could this person possibly have gone to before he found mine? What was he looking for that he didn't find at the other sites? Whatever it is, he didn't find it at JamesMarceda.com because he bounced immediately.

I admire your sticktoitiveness, "ghostface" searcher, but since you didn't stick around, you don't get my Reader of the Day award.

No, that honor/privilege goes to the person who found my blog with the search term, "mystery of the disembodied feet." This person slogged through pages and pages of the same results, finding nothing but recaps and Warez downloads of the NatGeo special, "Mystery of the Disembodied Feet." But this person did not find what he was looking for. No. This person was on a mission. A mission to comb through EIGHT FUCKING PAGES of search results (I haven't gone past 2 in 5 years!) to find something that in no way matched his search term.

This person got to page 8, saw a result titled, "James Marceda: Chimps - They're Just Like Us" and said to him/herself, "Ah, yes. Finally. I have arrived at my destination. Thank God I didn't stop at page 7." Then this person stuck around for THREE WHOLE MINUTES. Now that's what I call devotion (vol. 16).

God bless you, you magnificent potential serial killer, you. Your tenacity and loyalty has earned you the distinction of being the very first JamesMarceda.com Reader of the Day.

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(Know someone who you think should be Reader of the Day? Submit your nominations in the comments section.)

Ooh, Premium!

I try to buy generic products whenever I can. If a bunch of dryer sheets get the job done, why pay extra for Downy?

Part of what makes a generic product generic, besides its low cost, is a generic name. For example, here's the industrial-sized tub of hand soap I have in my bathroom right now:

Represent! Represent!

All This Time I Thought Moths Were Something Old People Made Up To Justify Their Stinkiness

FUCK!!!

Alright!

Free Starburst 2-Packs in the office kitchen!

FUCK!!!

Zack Morris Modem

Cablevision needs to get with the times.

That bad boy's three times the height of my DVD player and twice the size of my Manhattan apartment!

HEY NOW!

My Candles Kinda Look Like Penises Now That They've Melted Down

Don't they?

Beggars Can't Be Choosers, Lady

As you mature you are made aware of your intellectual and physical limitations as a matter of course. You can either solve that equation or you can't. You either make the basketball team or you hang out at your friend's place whose parents both work.

But there is no mathematical proof that demonstrates your inability to take criticism. There is no stopwatch that tells you you are selfish or arrogant or that you always interrupt people when they are talking.

Sometimes, however, you are thrust into a situation that forces you to react instinctively, and you gain knowledge of yourself with the same degree of certitude that you find out you have hemorrhoids. The procedure is uncomfortable, but the results are indisputable.

10 Things I Love About Ghostface

If you've been reading this blog for the past week or so, you've probably picked up on the fact that I have what one might call a "hateful" sense of humor. I've yelled at Gobstoppers, accused Jamarcus Russell of being so bad at football that he might actually be game-fixing ex-NBA referee Tim Donaghy, and poked fun at ubiquitous guitar instructor Dan Smith's emotionless robot face.

I find that mocking things can be funny and cathartic (if done in good taste, natch), but it's important to understand that I have more than just a hateful side. I also like a lot of things. Hell, I even love a lot of things. There are so many great books, movies, tv shows, albums, and improvised late-night snacks out there that I probably won't ever come close to experiencing them all. In fact, if there weren't so many awesome things in this world, I would never be able to hate on so much shitty crap. The great things in life give me a basis for my hatred of the shitty things in life.

That's why I'm rolling out a new feature that will run once a week (unless it sucks or becomes too hard) called 10 Things I Love About... (not to be confused with the Julia Stiles' vehicle 10 Things I Hate About You)

Every week I will pick a new topic and list 10 things I love about that particular topic. I want to be very clear, right up front, that these aren't necessarily exhaustive, definitive lists. I might, for instance, give you 10 of my favorite Derek Jeter intangibles (he has 26). They wouldn't necessarily be his most important, or his sexiest, or even his most intangible intangibles. They would simply be my favorite.

Alright, enough with this obscenely long preamble. Let's kick off this feature in a big way with...

10 Things I Love About Ghostface

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